Obsessed With Fantasy Football
I Don't Think So
Freelance Submission Posted 8/19 by Dennis Michelsen, Special to Footballguys.com
Some people in my life, my latest ex-wife comes to mind, seem to think I am
obsessed with this hobby we call Fantasy Football. While the court ruled in
her favor, setting precedence by officially declaring Fantasy Football Abuse
as a cause for divorce, I appeal to you the great football fan of these United
States to make a ruling for me! Perhaps after you hear my brief story you can
give me some good advice.
How Much is Too Much
Really now I am asking you, is having 47 different Fantasy Football teams really
a sign of obsession? After all there are so many different sites offering Fantasy
Football, would it be right to neglect one of them by not playing in a league
there? So what if the cost of my Fantasy Football habit last year rivaled the
gross national product of eleven different third-world countries, I didn't discriminate
against any league last year! I really did think I was stuck last year and had
to leave one out, but I was able to sell a kidney to pay for the big Fantasy
Football Mega Tourney out in Reno! What the heck was I going to do with that
extra kidney anyway? I don't think 47 teams are too much. Oh sure managing them
does require a few late nights pondering waiver moves but that is only two days
a week without sleep. They say sleep deprivation can lead to several mental
neuroses, but I just haven't noticed any of the warning signs yet. It is all
about time management.
Work and Fantasy Football
It is very important to have your priorities straight or having a career and
playing Fantasy Football will not mix. I remember my first experience on the
job with Fantasy Football. My boss Carl called me back into his office. Apparently
our office group e-mail got on to one of my Fantasy Football teams by mistake.
He handed me this piece of paper with my waiver move on it and said, "What
is this all about? Do you think this sort of thing is wise to be doing today?"
I looked at the piece of paper and saw what he was talking about. How could
I disagree with the guy? This simply was not a smart thing to be doing. But
I had little options available. After all the waiver deadline was coming up
and there was no other choice but to make the move right then and there. So
I looked Carl right in the eye and said, "I know that was a dumb thing
to do. But what other choice did I have? Emmitt just went down with a nasty
neck injury and it was either this move or Robert Smith." I can't understand
why Carl was so down on Terry Jackson anyway. The jerk even fired me for making
that move! Talk about letting Fantasy Football interfere with a business decision!
Life Changes are a Good Thing
Wife number two once criticized me for quitting my job to go back to school.
But what other choice did I have? I just got creamed playing Jim Kelly in a
lake effect snowstorm when those fools at the Weather Service were forecasting
"Partly Sunny." After six inches of partly sunny and a howling wind
off the lake my Fantasy Football playoff hopes were looking slim as Kelly threw
3 INTs and had 2 more fumbles. Losing points at the all important quarterback
slot on the eve of the playoffs with a wild card spot on the line is enough
to make anyone go back to school for a weather forecasting degree! At least
Doctor Davies believed in me and gave me a chance as a graduate assistant at
the university. The staff still talks about my Master's thesis today. "The
Affects of Mid Latitude Short Waves on Quarterback Point Production" has
really helped turn my lineup decisions around. It really was so simple though;
any fool can see that the potential rotational discontinuity caused by a significant
short wave trough causes the dreaded cumulative turbulent stratification that
can wreak havoc on any quarterback's production!
Politics and Fantasy Football
It dawned on me last fall that us Fantasy Football players are discriminated
against so badly. Last October I was turned down for a loan because they wouldn't
accept my Dynasty League Team as collateral. The fools can't see the value of
having 3 top running backs along with strength at quarterback and wide receiver
in a $250 buy in league? Any idiot can see that team is worth at least $5000
but I get discriminated against because they say that isn't a real asset. So
instead of just getting steamed about it, I decided that in an election year
maybe something could be done about it. I wrote all the major candidates for
both the Republican and Democratic Parties. I suggested that adding the following
plank to their Party Platform would be a great idea: "Since Fantasy Football
players do so much to fuel the economic engine of this great Nation, resolve
that the 'Fantasy Football Player's Rights Bill' be passed in the first 100
days in office. No longer will this neglected group of patriotic Americans be
deprived their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Fantasy Football fame
and fortune." Only one of the candidates even bothered to write me back.
Dennis Kucinich loved the idea! Unfortunately he didn't survive the primaries.
I guess the word just didn't get out to the Fantasy Football community that
a savior was on the way! Maybe the least that either President Bush or John
Kerry could do is to pledge to outlaw the dreaded scourge that could tear our
great Nation apart. That of course is the dreaded "Running Back by Committee"
syndrome that is running amuck in the NFL! That has to be second to only Al-Queda
as one of the most serious threats to our way of life in this great Nation!
Looking back over the years it certainly makes sense how this hobby has grown
into such an important part of my life. That first year having just one team
was accepting too much risk! Not making the playoffs that last week was very
traumatic. Anyone can see that adding more teams would minimize the risk. Having
diversified my Fantasy Football portfolio winning a championship each season
is almost guaranteed! Sure this might be getting a bit carried away with 47
teams but this is the NFL after all. If I were truly obsessed I would have had
much more than my usual compliment of 8 Arena Football League Fantasy teams
and 3 Australian League Fantasy teams this year. Perhaps then I could truly
be called obsessed.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to people or events in the real world is purely
coincidental or due to a past boss being a jerk. Anyone displaying the actual
symptoms sited above needs help immediately. Please contact www.fantasysportsanonymous.com
right away. There is help out there if you are brave enough to ask for it. But
I would recommend waiting until after draft season is over; it is there busy
time of the year after all. But Doctor Dodds and Professor Bryant will be happy
to help I am sure.