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Obsessed With Fantasy Football…I Don't Think So

Some people in my life, my latest ex-wife comes to mind, seem to think I am obsessed with this hobby we call Fantasy Football. While the court ruled in her favor, setting precedence by officially declaring Fantasy Football Abuse as a cause for divorce, I appeal to you the great football fan of these United States to make a ruling for me! Perhaps after you hear my brief story you can give me some good advice.

How Much is Too Much

Really now I am asking you, is having 47 different Fantasy Football teams really a sign of obsession? After all there are so many different sites offering Fantasy Football, would it be right to neglect one of them by not playing in a league there? So what if the cost of my Fantasy Football habit last year rivaled the gross national product of eleven different third-world countries, I didn't discriminate against any league last year! I really did think I was stuck last year and had to leave one out, but I was able to sell a kidney to pay for the big Fantasy Football Mega Tourney out in Reno! What the heck was I going to do with that extra kidney anyway? I don't think 47 teams are too much. Oh sure managing them does require a few late nights pondering waiver moves but that is only two days a week without sleep. They say sleep deprivation can lead to several mental neuroses, but I just haven't noticed any of the warning signs yet. It is all about time management.

Work and Fantasy Football

It is very important to have your priorities straight or having a career and playing Fantasy Football will not mix. I remember my first experience on the job with Fantasy Football. My boss Carl called me back into his office. Apparently our office group e-mail got on to one of my Fantasy Football teams by mistake. He handed me this piece of paper with my waiver move on it and said, "What is this all about? Do you think this sort of thing is wise to be doing today?" I looked at the piece of paper and saw what he was talking about. How could I disagree with the guy? This simply was not a smart thing to be doing. But I had little options available. After all the waiver deadline was coming up and there was no other choice but to make the move right then and there. So I looked Carl right in the eye and said, "I know that was a dumb thing to do. But what other choice did I have? Emmitt just went down with a nasty neck injury and it was either this move or Robert Smith." I can't understand why Carl was so down on Terry Jackson anyway. The jerk even fired me for making that move! Talk about letting Fantasy Football interfere with a business decision!

Life Changes are a Good Thing

Wife number two once criticized me for quitting my job to go back to school. But what other choice did I have? I just got creamed playing Jim Kelly in a lake effect snowstorm when those fools at the Weather Service were forecasting "Partly Sunny." After six inches of partly sunny and a howling wind off the lake my Fantasy Football playoff hopes were looking slim as Kelly threw 3 INTs and had 2 more fumbles. Losing points at the all important quarterback slot on the eve of the playoffs with a wild card spot on the line is enough to make anyone go back to school for a weather forecasting degree! At least Doctor Davies believed in me and gave me a chance as a graduate assistant at the university. The staff still talks about my Master's thesis today. "The Affects of Mid Latitude Short Waves on Quarterback Point Production" has really helped turn my lineup decisions around. It really was so simple though; any fool can see that the potential rotational discontinuity caused by a significant short wave trough causes the dreaded cumulative turbulent stratification that can wreak havoc on any quarterback's production!

Politics and Fantasy Football

It dawned on me last fall that us Fantasy Football players are discriminated against so badly. Last October I was turned down for a loan because they wouldn't accept my Dynasty League Team as collateral. The fools can't see the value of having 3 top running backs along with strength at quarterback and wide receiver in a $250 buy in league? Any idiot can see that team is worth at least $5000 but I get discriminated against because they say that isn't a real asset. So instead of just getting steamed about it, I decided that in an election year maybe something could be done about it. I wrote all the major candidates for both the Republican and Democratic Parties. I suggested that adding the following plank to their Party Platform would be a great idea: "Since Fantasy Football players do so much to fuel the economic engine of this great Nation, resolve that the 'Fantasy Football Player's Rights Bill' be passed in the first 100 days in office. No longer will this neglected group of patriotic Americans be deprived their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Fantasy Football fame and fortune." Only one of the candidates even bothered to write me back. Dennis Kucinich loved the idea! Unfortunately he didn't survive the primaries. I guess the word just didn't get out to the Fantasy Football community that a savior was on the way! Maybe the least that either President Bush or John Kerry could do is to pledge to outlaw the dreaded scourge that could tear our great Nation apart. That of course is the dreaded "Running Back by Committee" syndrome that is running amuck in the NFL! That has to be second to only Al-Queda as one of the most serious threats to our way of life in this great Nation!

In Conclusion

Looking back over the years it certainly makes sense how this hobby has grown into such an important part of my life. That first year having just one team was accepting too much risk! Not making the playoffs that last week was very traumatic. Anyone can see that adding more teams would minimize the risk. Having diversified my Fantasy Football portfolio winning a championship each season is almost guaranteed! Sure this might be getting a bit carried away with 47 teams but this is the NFL after all. If I were truly obsessed I would have had much more than my usual compliment of 8 Arena Football League Fantasy teams and 3 Australian League Fantasy teams this year. Perhaps then I could truly be called obsessed.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to people or events in the real world is purely coincidental or due to a past boss being a jerk. Anyone displaying the actual symptoms sited above needs help immediately. Please contact www.fantasysportsanonymous.com right away. There is help out there if you are brave enough to ask for it. But I would recommend waiting until after draft season is over; it is there busy time of the year after all. But Doctor Dodds and Professor Bryant will be happy to help I am sure.

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